Today, it occurred to me that most people cannot drive. Actually, this occurred to me roughly a day after I got my P plates. There are many threats on our roads, and being the kind-hearted and unmisanthropic person I am, a small public threat list seemed only appropriate. So, here goes:
Threat #1: Other drivers: Yes, it is a rather broad category, but the fact of the matter is this – everyone is stupid and everyone drives stupid. Perhaps they haven't quite mastered the art of breathing and thinking at the same time, or perhaps they're distracted. Either way, take caution around other cars.
Threat #2: Pimped cars: Nothing shrinks your penis like pimping your car out with a dicky (no pun intended) body kit and spoiler. It also causes brain failure in most diagnosed cases. If they're driving a pimped car, they're most likely a tosspot and need to be given room to ejaculatorily destroy themselves.
Threat #3: Provisional License Holders: Or, for the cruder of you, P platers. Yes, we've all heard the rumours. Indeed, many of them are true. P platers are young and horny; much too busy making out and having wild sex to concentrate on driving properly.
HOWEVER, many P platers are sensible and have a better knowledge of the road rules than any other threat level. All they lack is experience.
[Note: this is where things get tricky. I'd love to put both of these following two at #5, but one must go there, and so it shall. Read down.]
Threat #4: Old people: Once again, we've all heard the rumours. Old people may have the experience, but they lack the motor function, reflex time or empathy to drive safely. Most commonly, old-timers disease presents in slow driving and poor judgement due to poor eyesight. It's infuriating because they also happen to be going wherever you are, or sit in the wrong lane.
Today, I discovered a special case that needs a special mention. I was driving up the main street of my suburb when an elderly lady hunched over the steering wheel of a small, red hatchback came zooming past in the opposite direction. Now, we were in a 60kmh zone. This woman had to be doing at least 80kmh, probably more.
In short, beware the elderly. Their driving skills are failing faster than their livers.
*A short drum roll*
Threat #5: Tradesmen: Actually, this category expands to include any driver that you spot wearing a fluorescent safety vest. This is a mark of a very dangerous driver, people. It's not so much a case of their ignorance; rather, it seems they never learnt to drive in the first place.
I have nearly been run off the road several times by tradesmen. It's not that much fun. Tailgating, speeding, failure to indicate, sudden, unexpected turns and sharp braking all fall onto this category.
These people need a WIDE birth when driving. As in, if you were to take every item off the back of their vehicles and stack it end to end, it would give you HALF the distance you need to maintain.
If you see an elderly tradesman, you may as well run your car into the nearest tree.
Hopefully this will get a few less people killed.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go torture some small children – I'm starting to feel nice.
"Listen to that baby purr."
"There's a baby in there?"
- Fry & Bender ("The Lesser of Two Evils", Futurama Season 2)
Portal 2: A Wider Aperture
7 years ago